Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

“You’ve been married fifty-six years! What’s your secret?” The eyes of the young woman sitting next to me at the ballgame grew to saucer size. I laughed. If there were only one secret, someone would have written it on a coffee mug long ago. Building a lasting love—a strong marriage—requires dogged determination and daily decisions built on a shared foundation.

Harry’s and my common commitment to Jesus and our relationship tops the list. Even when the days are long and the nights hard. Especially when frustration overflows and tempers rise. Beyond that is the refusal to murder one another, although the temptation might have been there on occasion. Like all marriages, we’ve had sweet seasons and strained ones. Rather than secrets, I can offer three insights that have strengthened our staying power.

Reinforce the Framework: The Necessity of Encouragement to Build a Strong Marriage

1. Look for ways to encourage one another. Harry and I met on my first day at Baylor University and soon began dating. The mandatory religion class hooked me. Scripture came alive. I loved learning background details and deeper meanings. I wanted to switch my major and immerse myself in biblical studies. But my parents insisted I stick with elementary education. 

Fast forward eight years, by which time Harry was pastoring, and we were married. When a young ladies’ Bible study class needed a teacher, Harry thought about my excitement at sharing new nuggets I’d learned. “Since you love digging into Scripture, why don’t you try teaching adults?” He saw a possibility in me I never imagined. Although my stomach did somersaults, I agreed. Without his encouragement, I might never have heard God’s call.

Everyone benefits from encouragement—both the giver and the receiver. Sensitivity to our spouse’s needs and gifts requires attentiveness. We can’t encourage what we don’t notice. Harry’s observation nourished both my soul and our relationship.

“Encourage each other and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NLT)

Inspect the Interior: Reframe Critical Thoughts to Protect Your Partnership

2. Listen to your self-talk. My internal dialogue about Harry or our situation impacts the external dynamics of our relationship. When he asked me to add the cleaners to my already packed to-do list, I cringed. As if I had no choice. But changing my “have-to” mindset to a “get-to” one reduces my resentment. My attitude adjusts.

Self-talk can incite conflict or invite understanding. When I rehearse my irritation, I further inflame my selfish, self-centered nature. If I reframe his request as an opportunity to serve Jesus by helping my husband, my emotions shift. Although I can’t control my feelings, I can revise my thoughts, which will redirect my reactions and reinforce our partnership.

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” (Philippians 4:8 MSG)

Strengthen the Structure with Mutual Submission

3. Let go of the drive to dominate. My father told Harry before we married that I’d never lost an argument. An exaggeration, to be sure. But he was right that I hated to admit defeat. Sometimes I argued for control rather than clarity. I spoke words I later regretted. Not habits that build a strong marriage.

Our disagreements decreased when I surrendered my need to have the last word or win every argument. Not that I’ve eliminated that tendency, but I’m at least aware and trying to rein in my quick tongue.

Marriage, after all, is a covenant, not a competition. If one wins, we both lose. To seek a double-win over dominance results in a stronger partnership. Instead of silencing my voice, I’m listening for God’s and embracing a victory for us, not just for me.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21 NIV) 

Psalm 127:1 reminds us that unless God builds a house, we labor in vain. He’s the true architect of a lasting marriage, inviting us to partner with him in building a relationship that honors him and blesses us.

How to Build a Strong Marriage: 3 Lessons from 56 Years Together by @NancyLucenay on Beyond the Front Door Share on X

Join the Conversation

How have these ideas worked for you or someone you know? What other secrets can you share? I’d love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the Comments box at the bottom of the page. (If you don’t see the Comments box, click Read More and scroll down.)