As a pastor’s wife, I’ve had the privilege of walking with people through some of their greatest joys and deepest sorrows. Celebrations, of course, are easy, but grief can be overwhelming. I often hear confusion about what to say and do to support someone who’s grieving. Despite my best intentions, I confess I’ve sometimes said or done something less than comforting. I want to encourage but struggle to know what helps and what doesn’t. How can we comfort the bereaved without increasing their pain?

First, we want to understand as much as possible about what our grieving friend is experiencing. Although every grief journey is distinctive, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler identified seven common stages—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. The steps in the mourning process are neither linear nor sequential. We may skip one, go through them in random order, or revisit some of them several times. Grief fluctuates like the waves of the sea. One minute we’re standing, and the next minute, a wave knocks us flat.

First, we pray God will surround our grieving friend with his comforting presence. In addition, we may consider the following tips when deciding what else to say, do, and avoid.

Positive Ways to Support Someone Who’s Grieving—What to Do

1. Show up: The greatest gift we can give someone who’s grieving is our presence. Nothing we say or do has a greater impact.
2. Express your shared grief: Those mourning need to know we, too, grieve their loss. My first words are usually, “I’m sorry.” If I know the person well enough, I also hug them or hold their hands. Share memories of the deceased and how much they’ll be missed.
3. Ask questions: Ask about the arrangements for the funeral or memorial service. If the service has already occurred, compliment them on it.
4. Encourage them to talk: They may need to tell and retell the story of what happened or try to make sense of their feelings. At the right time, a grief support group can help them work through their grief with others who are also navigating loss.
5. Listen: The one who is mourning may want to talk, cry, or sit in silence. Our goal is to listen more than we talk.
6. Allow silence: We don’t want to take up so much space with our words that we leave no room for God to work. The bereaved need times of silence to process their loss. Companionship can comfort.
7. Offer hope: Christians have the promise of the Lord’s presence at all times. He walks with his own through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and will give them the strength they need. Assure them they’ll make it through the grief process.
8. Let them cry: The ability to express deep sadness is a necessary part of the grief process. Tears are a natural and healthy expression of emotion after a loss. Even Jesus cried at Lazarus’ death. People react to loss in various and sometimes confusing ways. They may not understand their reactions or experience guilt if they feel a sense of relief. Reassure someone who’s grieving they’re not alone in their feelings.
9. Provide practical help: Be specific about what and when. Offer to clean the house, transport the family to and from the airport, do laundry, or provide childcare. One lady always takes toilet paper and paper goods to the bereaved, as she knows they might not be prepared for the number of visitors they’ll have. Another acts as a hostess and buffer, managing the food gifts and encouraging the grieving to get proper nourishment and rest.
10. Continue to check in: The most difficult stages of grief often follow the funeral when the bereaved is alone. Call them, send a text, or write an email to check on how they’re doing. Invite them for lunch or coffee. If they’re unable to leave home, ask if you can bring a meal to share.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2 NIV)

Words and Actions to Avoid—What Not to Do

1. Attempt to explain God’s reasons for the loss: This can foster anger towards God, portraying our loving God in a selfish light.
2. Assume we know the wishes of the deceased: To say the one who’s gone wouldn’t want the one who’s left to be sad is to presume something we can’t know. We also risk communicating that the bereaved’s feelings are unacceptable. Sadness is a valid response to loss.
3. Minimize their loss: Another spouse, child, house, or pet can never replace the one lost. We don’t want to diminish or invalidate their grief.
4. Discourage expressions of grief: Mourning the death of a loved one doesn’t deny the hope we have in Christ. We don’t want to shame someone for their sadness.
5. Ignore the deceased: Sometimes, we may fear that talking about the lost loved one will further upset the grieving. Instead, they usually want to share stories.
6. Offer advice unless it’s requested. Our listening presence communicates our love, acceptance, and understanding more than unsolicited counsel.
7. Try to make them feel better: Nothing we say or do can alleviate their pain. Discouraging their tears or expressions of emotion may come across as disapproval or judgment.
8. Rush the grieving process: Every person, relationship, and journey is unique. Comparing our experience to theirs risks shifting the focus to us instead of the bereaved. There’s more than one way to mourn.
9. Promise they’ll feel better soon: We don’t want to diminish their grief or promise what we can’t deliver.
10. Refuse to permit the bereaved to move on: Joy, hope, and new relationships don’t dishonor the deceased.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29 NIV)

Another post dealing with grief is “Disappointed in God,” which considers the experience of Mary and Martha when Jesus didn’t respond as they’d hoped.

20 Practical Tips for Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving by @NancyLucenay on Beyond the Front Door#Grief #Loss Share on X

What additional suggestions can you add? I’d love to hear them. Please share in the Comments box at the bottom of the page.