“I hate my sister, and I’ll never forgive her.” Mildred’s sister had stolen and then married Mildred’s husband. Mildred justified her bitterness, certain that God understood and excused her refusal to forgive. Yes, God understood, but he never excuses our sin. Leah could have felt the same way about her sister Rachel. After all, Leah was the unwanted, less loved wife who spent years trying to win her husband’s heart.

Multiple Jewish rabbis propose that God intended Leah to marry Esau and Rachel to marry Jacob. When Esau rejected the divine plan, Jacob had to marry both sisters. In stealing his brother’s birthright and blessing (Genesis 25:29-34; 27:1-41), Jacob also gained his brother’s intended wife. After Jacob worked for Laban seven years for the right to marry Rachel, Laban substituted Leah for her younger sister. (Genesis 29:14-30) Jacob didn’t realize it until the next morning. How could he not know? Some have suggested Rachel so pitied her less attractive sister that she hid under the marriage bed, responding to Jacob so he wouldn’t recognize the deception. A Midrash by Rashi submits that Rachel gave Leah the secret password she and Jacob had prearranged to prevent a bridal switch. Although Jacob was livid when he discovered Leah, he finished the wedding week with her and then married Rachel.

Leah Had Opportunities to Choose Bitterness

Can you imagine how Leah felt? She’d watched Jacob moon over Rachel for seven years. She must have dreaded his discovery the morning after the wedding. Did she feel shamed knowing she got a husband by trickery and deceit? She was pawned off by her father and rejected by her husband, giving Leah an excuse to choose bitterness. As Jim Wilson noted in How to Be Free from Bitterness, “Bitterness is always based upon someone else’s sin—whether real or imagined.”

Perhaps Jacob and Laban were blind to Leah’s pain and shame, but God honored her. “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive.” (29:31) When Leah gave birth, she expressed gratitude to God and hope that Jacob would love her. She bore Jacob at least seven children. Each one was another opportunity for bitterness. The honor competition between Rachel and Leah was ongoing. Leah had face in the community, but Rachel had Jacob’s heart. Did Leah allow her pain and sorrow to drive her to God? 

How Can We Break Free?

As Nelson Mandela observed, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” Bitterness is frozen anger, anger we refuse to relinquish. Hanging onto our anger imprisons and destroys us. God’s Word offers a better way.

1. Recognize our bitterness. (2 Corinthians 13:5) We can deceive ourselves, blind to the bitterness in our hearts. If we remember the details of an event and the accompanying emotions, there’s a good chance we’re bitter. Before we can eliminate bitterness, we must recognize it.
2. Request forgiveness. (Mattew 5:23-24; 1 John 1:8-9) Bitterness is a choice, how we chose to respond to our circumstances or what someone did. Unless we guard against it, we can grow to love our bitterness. Our response is our responsibility meaning our bitterness is our fault. God holds the one who hurt us accountable for her sin; he holds us accountable for our response. If we discover bitterness within, we must confess and seek forgiveness.
3. Resolve to forgive. (Matthew 6:14-15) With a closed fist, we can neither receive nor give. To experience forgiveness, we must forgive. God promises to empower us to do what he commands us to do. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Forgiveness is a journey of one thousand steps that begins with our decision to forgive. When the bitter memories return, we can replace them with memories of how God has forgiven us. Healing may be slow, but it will come.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting; it means breaking the cycle of revenge. Forgiveness isn’t a rejection of justice, but a transfer of that justice to God’s jurisdiction. We can find freedom from the bonds of bitterness in forgiveness.

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