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How to Build a Strong Marriage: 3 Lessons from 56 Years Together
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
“You’ve been married fifty-six years! What’s your secret?” The eyes of the young woman sitting next to me at the ballgame grew to saucer size. I laughed. If there were only one secret, someone would have written it on a coffee mug long ago. Building a lasting love—a strong marriage—requires dogged determination and daily decisions built on a shared foundation.
Harry’s and my common commitment to Jesus and our relationship tops the list. Even when the days are long and the nights hard. Especially when frustration overflows and tempers rise. Beyond that is the refusal to murder one another, although the temptation might have been there on occasion. Like all marriages, we’ve had sweet seasons and strained ones. Rather than secrets, I can offer three insights that have strengthened our staying power.
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Reinforce the Framework: The Necessity of Encouragement to Build a Strong Marriage
1. Look for ways to encourage one another. Harry and I met on my first day at Baylor University and soon began dating. The mandatory religion class hooked me. Scripture came alive. I loved learning background details and deeper meanings. I wanted to switch my major and immerse myself in biblical studies. But my parents insisted I stick with elementary education.
Fast forward eight years, by which time Harry was pastoring, and we were married. When a young ladies’ Bible study class needed a teacher, Harry thought about my excitement at sharing new nuggets I’d learned. “Since you love digging into Scripture, why don’t you try teaching adults?” He saw a possibility in me I never imagined. Although my stomach did somersaults, I agreed. Without his encouragement, I might never have heard God’s call.
Everyone benefits from encouragement—both the giver and the receiver. Sensitivity to our spouse’s needs and gifts requires attentiveness. We can’t encourage what we don’t notice. Harry’s observation nourished both my soul and our relationship.
“Encourage each other and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NLT)
Inspect the Interior: Reframe Critical Thoughts to Protect Your Partnership
2. Listen to your self-talk. My internal dialogue about Harry or our situation impacts the external dynamics of our relationship. When he asked me to add the cleaners to my already packed to-do list, I cringed. As if I had no choice. But changing my “have-to” mindset to a “get-to” one reduces my resentment. My attitude adjusts.
Self-talk can incite conflict or invite understanding. When I rehearse my irritation, I further inflame my selfish, self-centered nature. If I reframe his request as an opportunity to serve Jesus by helping my husband, my emotions shift. Although I can’t control my feelings, I can revise my thoughts, which will redirect my reactions and reinforce our partnership.
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” (Philippians 4:8 MSG)
Strengthen the Structure with Mutual Submission
3. Let go of the drive to dominate. My father told Harry before we married that I’d never lost an argument. An exaggeration, to be sure. But he was right that I hated to admit defeat. Sometimes I argued for control rather than clarity. I spoke words I later regretted. Not habits that build a strong marriage.
Our disagreements decreased when I surrendered my need to have the last word or win every argument. Not that I’ve eliminated that tendency, but I’m at least aware and trying to rein in my quick tongue.
Marriage, after all, is a covenant, not a competition. If one wins, we both lose. To seek a double-win over dominance results in a stronger partnership. Instead of silencing my voice, I’m listening for God’s and embracing a victory for us, not just for me.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21 NIV)
Psalm 127:1 reminds us that unless God builds a house, we labor in vain. He’s the true architect of a lasting marriage, inviting us to partner with him in building a relationship that honors him and blesses us.
How to Build a Strong Marriage: 3 Lessons from 56 Years Together by @NancyLucenay on Beyond the Front Door Share on XJoin the Conversation
How have these ideas worked for you or someone you know? What other secrets can you share? I’d love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the Comments box at the bottom of the page. (If you don’t see the Comments box, click Read More and scroll down.)
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A Valentine’s Day Marriage Story: How to Keep Love Fun
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Since today is Valentine’s Day, I invited my husband to share his favorite Valentine’s Day memory. This story comes from earlier in our marriage, but the lessons have stayed with us through more than five decades together.
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By Harry Lucenay
Good Intentions and the Realities of Marriage
February 13 fell on a Friday. All week, the thought of Valentine’s Day had tugged at my conscience. I meant to stop and buy Nancy a card. I planned to pick up something special. But intentions kept getting crowded out by responsibilities.
As I headed out the office door toward the funeral home that afternoon, I asked my secretary to remind me to buy a Valentine’s card. That would be my top priority. She smiled with a knowing sparkle but said nothing. I didn’t realize she was guarding a secret. I didn’t even know there was a secret.
A Valentine’s Day Marriage Surprise
After the graveside service, I sat in the funeral director’s car, listening, once again, to advice about handling some church matter. Then I noticed a late-model car with two striking women inside, creeping along the back of the parking lot. They pulled alongside us. One rolled down her window, leaned over, and slipped an envelope to me.
Inside was a note.
The woman handing me the note was my wife, grinning with delight. Her accomplice, our long-time babysitter, left Nancy with me and drove off toward our house to take care of our three young children. The plot was officially underway.
Stalling for Time and Searching for a Valentine’s Card
As we slid into my car, my mind went into overdrive. I needed to pack. My wife assured me she’d taken care of that, and the luggage was already in the trunk. I knew how much she loved cards, and I knew, without question, that I’d failed. My words were a stalling tactic.
“What about Mr. Barr?” I asked, referring to a quail hunting trip planned for Saturday morning. Don’t misunderstand me. A night away with Nancy sounded far better than trudging through a field with Mr. Barr. Still, I needed an excuse—any excuse—to buy time and maybe a card.
Nancy calmly informed me she’d already taken care of everything.
I kept talking ninety miles an hour, hoping speed might create opportunity. Somehow, I convinced her to let me stop by my office “just for a minute.” Unknown to me, she’d already alerted my staff and church leadership. There was nothing left to do. Still, we stopped. I don’t know what I imagined. Perhaps a hidden stash of Valentine’s cards would miraculously appear in my desk drawer.
Seven Dollars, No Card, and a Lesson in Marriage Creativity
I exited empty-handed. My wallet held exactly seven dollars. No card. No gift and no plan.
As we headed toward Jackson, Mississippi, my nerves found an outlet. I rambled about funerals. How, over the years, funeral home staff had pinned so many carnations on my lapel that I’d grown to despise them. Carnations smelled like grief. They reminded me of burial services and final prayers.
We checked into the hotel. Waiting in the room was a bouquet of carnations.
Foot. In. Mouth.
At dinner, I searched for an excuse to stop at a drugstore, but Nancy stayed close, stuck to me like a burr on my hunting jacket. I had no freedom. My last attempt to secure a Valentine’s card quietly died.
Late-Night Inspiration and a Valentine’s Day Memory
Later that night, inspiration finally struck. If I couldn’t buy a card, I’d make one.
After Nancy fell asleep, I slipped her purse open, fished out her lipstick, and tiptoed to the bathroom. I wrote my Valentine’s message on the mirror. Writing on glass does no kindness to a tube of lipstick, but it was the best I could do. My card was neither store-bought nor polished. But at last, I had a card.
Creativity sparks a marriage. Thinking outside the box gives birth to the unexpected. You don’t need to overspend. The cost of the above was covered by several months of saving little-by-little. Use your imagination to create healthy surprises for your situation. Your efforts could ignite a little fun in your marriage journey.
“Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day.” (Ecclesiastes 9:9 MSG)
A Valentine’s Day Marriage Story: How Creativity and Commitment Keep Love Fun by @HarryLucen90448 on @NancyLucenay Share on XJoin the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you! What special Valentine memories or ideas do you have? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the Comments box at the bottom of the page. (If you don’t see the Comments box, click Read More and scroll down.)
